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I’m Tired
So tired your bones hurt. Like an aching in the depths of your being. It’s weird I’m so tired but yet I have such a desire to be awake. Maybe it’s this insufferable heat.
Dancing between lucidity and unconsciousness, the heat makes me dozy. Like a sleeping awakeness. Does that make any sense?
I feel like I’ve been awake for 100 hours, maybe that’s what happens when it hits 40 degrees in a country zero air con. I feel mentally tired. Tired from the world.
Tired from COVID-19, climate change, of falling asleep on the motorway, of everything. Being constantly fearful of being awake is terribly troubling. This year has felt like a revolving door of bad news. Each time it opens, bam, something else to worry about. Part of me thinks I should wake up worried, at least I’ll save myself a job.
Stillness. That’s what I crave. I want to watch water drops fall into a pond. I want to bake bread and kneed it with my hands. I want to feel nature. I want to be amongst the trees, feel the mud splatter up my leg, breathe in the openness of the world. I crave simplicity. Complication ties my brain in knots.
Like a set of unattended cables, entangled it their own confusion. It takes hours to get back to normality. That’s how my brains feels. This last year has been a preverbal set of cables, all wrapped around one another.
Slowly I’m started to find simplicity.
